Featured image by: Agnes Art & Photo
Hi, I’m going through a divorce, what’s your name?
Argh. Difficult topic ahead. Most of you didn’t see this coming. After all, we just moved to Nevada! But those closest to me, it has been a long time coming. A sad relief of sorts? A breath of fresh air that I can openly talk about this darkness that has been lingering around? So as I continue and breathe life into these next paragraphs, I ask for empathy, non-judgement, open hearts, open minds and love. It definitely, unequivocally was not supposed to end this way, but it is.
Shock -> Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Testing -> Acceptance
I grieved my marriage over 2 years ago. I am thankful for lots and lots of therapy. For friends that held on to me, called me non stop and let me vent when I just needed to reassured I wasn’t loosing my mind. The past 2+ years was a learning “testing” experience. A time where I paused, didn’t rewind, but allowed for healing to happen… but it did not. Going through and understanding that I had to grieve my marriage as a death to me was something new, scary and unheard of to my ears. But now as I branch off over to “Acceptance” I can finally fully understand what that grieving process meant and how much healing “Acceptance” has.
For six and a half years I gave my all, shed every ounce of who I am and tried to stuff it into this pretty little box that was called my marriage. I removed myself from many things I enjoy. I focused purely on what would help resolve issues. I lost a lot of friends. My identity was skewed. I don’t even remember who I was before I said “I do.” And now I am trying to figure that part of me out again. Piece by piece trying to allow myself to be put back together again. It is no longer about stuffing myself into a marriage, it is no longer about two people, but now only one.
I am picking up the pieces of me and not the pieces of we.
When I was a child, I grew up in a broken home. One that didn’t have a bit of stability nor a father figure until about 3rd grade. My Father left my Mother when I was 3 years old. It kills me to think I am repeating history. Or that I am a product of my childhood circumstance. I know the feeling of not having a father and yearning for one so badly. Which is why I am taking the stance that I can by bettering our situation and make it so that history DOESN’T repeat itself. As I have told Mitchell “…if we agree on one thing, its Gentry. So lets kick ass at co-parenting.” It’s our main focus to make this transition seamless and easiest as possible for Gentry.
As someone in the creative community that promotes and advocates for authenticity on social media, I knew I had to be open with this part of my private life in due time. However, because of the nature of this topic, it involves another person. Of which, I will not dive into specifics that led us down this route to divorce (sorry Bertha – no drama or gossip for ya here!) All I can do is share my feelings, my journey and bring you along with me for that ride. I hope you can respect and understand that.
To my social media friend…
So as I end this post, I know there is probably someone out there that may be in the same position as me. You may be a creative, influencer, blogger, photographer, [fill in the blank], and you just are “creatively working through a crisis.” You may have a front on social media that is skewed, altered or even non-existent. You don’t know how to share your personal struggle because its TOO personal. Or maybe you do but it just not the right time.
I want you to know that its okay.
It’s okay that you can’t say everything right now. It’s okay that you have to focus on you til you get your mind right. ITS OKAY sister. Being open and vulnerable while in a crisis can be challenging. “How do I say something without offending someone?” “What if I say something and I want to take it back but there is probably SCREENSHOTS.” “What if I brain dump and lose all of my clients?” I get it. 100%. And its okay. Keep focusing on YOU sister. Y-O-U. Don’t worry about those that cater to your social media posts. Don’t worry if you take a whole damn month away from social media just to recoup YOU. I can tell you how much STRONGER you will be after you take time, get your words right, have the right time to hit enter and go to sleep at night knowing you said what you needed and wanted to say or wanted to remain private. I THANK YOU for being you. For going through those tough times as it makes this social media world that much more colorful, vibrant and raw.
…and that kinda felt like I wrote that to myself.